Daze
by Leon XIII
Summary: Carpenter is an aggressive bully with pschyic powers,Duvall can't remember his lines,and Watchstrap is a homo.First fic,R&R,I just learning so go easy.New Chapter!:Various Other references! M rated content goldmine! Carpenter Predicts Future!
1. Chapter 1:Boring monolouges

Daze(a haze parody)

**Disclaimer:I do not own Haze or Halo**

Chapter 1:Boring monologues and future tellers

The scene opens with the sky coming into view and a solder who is starrng at it like a zombie on weed.

Carpenter:"My name is shane carpenter,not that the reader cares or anything but for the sake of the story,this is a war torn world,that's why I'm here to kick some ass so it isn't!That is why you will buy this game instead of "Blacksite Area 51" because the company of this game also made "Timesplitters" which also spawned 2 sequels which means that-"

SSLLAAPP!

Carpenter held his red cheek and stumbled into a snack table implanting his face into a stood up and took a piece of the twinkie off his face before eating it.

Carpenter:"Who the hell did that?"

Duvall:"It was me,I just couldn't listen to that boring monologue any longer"

Carpenter:"oh,sorry about that sir"

Duvall:"Sir? we're all equals here,except for Dutch over there."

Dutch(a character from Halo 3:ODST)gives Duvall the finger.

Duvall:"I'm Morgan Duvall,this punk is corporal Francis Peshy"

Peshy:"H-Hey m-man"

Duvall:"This is Watchstrap"

Watchstrap:"Hey hot stuff"

Duvall:"And this is uhhh..."

Teare:" Adrian Teare,sir"

Duvall:"Yeah,Eighty Tear."

Teare:"Sir your nectar levels are low,let me help you with it"

Teare pushes a button on Carpenters nectar helmet turns red and he throws his arms in the then charges at Dutch,picks him up and throws him at an inconvienently placed explosive barrel causing it to,well,explode,while everyone hides in hunches over while Teare pushes another button on his nectar pack and carpenter's helmet changes to yellow.

Teare:"Sorry sir,I must have pressed the fury button."

BAM!

Carpenter clotheslines Teare over the head,then spits on his unconsions a few minutes Carpenter complained...

Carpenter:"WHAT IS TAKING THIS ELEVATOR SO LONG!"

Suddenly the elevator they were on jolted to the top,knocking everyone off their everyone got up,a plane flew by overhead,followed by another,and another(which had advertisements for Pepsi one),than a fourth one flies by,but crashes into the jungle.

Carpenter:"My god,the South African err..American rebels shot down that jet!"

Duvall:"Actually I think the pilot crashed it himself,must be drunk."

Peshy:"The engine might have malfunctioned."

Watchstrap:"I love pepsi one."

Speaker:"Unit pink bumble bee report to dropship immediately."

Duvall:"Thats us!"

Peshy:"Let's grab our equipment!"

The gang walked over to a dark corner of the landcarrier(who thought up the Idea for that anyway?)and encountered that shady dealer from Resident Evil 4.

Merchant:"got somethin that might interest you mate(starts to open coat)"

Watchstrap:"Yeah! Time for some man on man action!"

The merchant opens his coat revealing several Blacksaw Assault Rifles(Watchstrap is dissappointed).Everyone grabs a gun,as they walk away,Watchstrap flirts with the merchant.

Watchstrap:"Sooooo,you ever go naked under that coat?"

BAM!

The merchant punches Watchstrap in the face before jumping off the ran into his new teammates,while Duvall was gelling his hair,and Peshy was "doing it" with the coin slot of a Pepsi machine.

Sherman:"Yo ,whassup,my crew is rolling with you today,got me,got Gilroy,got Wood."

Carpenter:".....Are you calling me a FAGG!!!!!"

Sherman:"No your supposed to ask"got wood?"."

Carpenter:"GET YOUR ASS ON THAT DROPSHIP PRIVATE!"

Sherman:"But I'm a corporal."

Carpenter:"NOW!"

Sherman:"fine."

Duvall and Watchstrap were already on the dropship,while Peshy had to drag the Pepsi machine with him on the dropship because his (thing we're not allowed to say on TV) was Teare tries to board,Duvall stops him.

Duvall:"Let me see your eyes,have you been taking your meds?"

Teare:"Yeah,I've been taking my nectar."

Duvall:"Well I meant Viagra,but it looks like you haven't taken your nectar either."

Carpenter:"I think he's alright dude."

Duvall:"No,he isn't alright,you're a..a..(points off-screen towards a sign with his lines on it )..lia..biiillii..tyy...the....if..a...man..mantel..sol..soldier..do..does..not..take..his meds..his..uhhh..sensors?..no senses!..are not as...sharp and his..uhh..mor-ale is not as high...there..four..I call you off this..droop-shit."

The director (who was being played by yours truly) slaps his palm on his breaks into tears(thats how he got his name) and runs dropship (finally) takes was messing with the computer screen and got it to play an episode of gets a boost of nectar.

Watchstrap:"Whoo yeah,I feel like I could fuck a million dudes!"

Duvall:"Anyway Carpy I.."

Carpenter:"I know,you're just trying to look out for the rest of us."

Duvall:"How'd you know?"

Carpenter"I possess the ability to briefly see into the future.I also saw Peshy getting his (thing we're not allowed to say on TV) chopped off."

Peshy:"N-Noooo!"

Suddenly the dropship started shaking although no one did anything.

Duvall:"Well,aren't going to tell him to drop from here?"refering to what Carpenter said in the game

Carpenter:"No,you'll just run over my words."

Duvall:"Oh,anyway take her-"

SMACK!

Carpenter smacked Duvall in the back of his head with the butt of his rifle,knocking him out.

Carpenter:"We're doing things my way now bitch!"

Carpenter walks into the cockpit and pulls the release lever,causing the crew compartment to detach,and land on a few unfortunate south except Carpenter was knocked off their feet.

Carpenter:"Alright,I'll take Sherman,Gilroy and..Wood to clear a way to the crash site,the rest of you go up into the mountains and clear it,which means you will be in no ways useful to us.

Peshy (who was still stuck to that stupid machine) and Watchstrap(who was carrying Duvall's unconsions body,by the legs,if you know what I mean) ran up a path to the mountain while Carpenter And his gang deal with the rebels

end

Please review,I tried to make it as funny as I forgive me for the script format,I just prefered it.I've seen other authors use so I hope Its OK,if not,I understand.I read the Guidelines at the last minute.


	2. Chapter 2:FEAR my Taraway!

Daze

Disclaimer:I do not own Haze,F.E.A.R,or Condemned 2:Bloodshot or tide

Chapter 1:F.E.A.R my Tar-away!

Carpenter lights a cigerette off the corpse of a burning single-handledly killed all the rebels,with only a can of pestiscides spray and a lighter.

Carpenter:"Alright,you pansies,lets get to that crash site."

Carpenter's men (who were just standing around like computers) follow Carpenter deeper into the sees a rebel who is apparantly trying to hide behind a rock,but leaves his head exposed.

Rebel(thinking):"They'll never see me here."

Carpenter takes aim at the rebels head,but(like in the game)Wood steps in front of him as he fires,the bullet fracturing his nectar pack,causing him to go mad.

Carpenter:"Wood! What the hell!"

Wood grabs Carpenter around the neck.

Carpenter:"Hey! Get Off!,I said get off,THATS IT!"

BAAMM!

Carpenter punches Wood's head clear off,sending it flying into the rebel soldier.

Gilroy:"You killed Wood!"

Sherman:"You bastard!"

CRRRAACCKK!

Carpenter kicked Sherman in his then continued up the ridge.

Duvall(comm):"Carpy,theres a valley filled with badies up ahead,let the dropship take care of it."

Carpenter:"Okie dokie."

Carpenter proceeded up the ridge and lifted the visor of his helmet(which is never explained,damn plot holes).A few Mrs Mantel dropships fly by and pepper the ground with raises his video camera and tapes the flaming inferno.

Carpenter:"This will look great on my Xbox profile."

A bunch of rebels,most on fire come running out screamming at the top of their south american ,Gilroy,and Sherman started hiking down the ridge.

Carpenter(comm):"Do you think the pilot can hold out until we get there?"

Duvall(comm):"If I were you,I'd be worried about the Viagra that was stored on that plane"

Carpenter(comm):"Well,fortunatly,I'm not you."

Duvall(comm):"Hey have you tried-"

Carpenter(comm):"Yes,I've tried a dose of nectar,It really improves my aiming."

A few rebels started shooting at Carpenter,but he dodged them Matrix then killed them with his Diplomat magnum.A bunch of rebels hide in an old hut with a very noticeable explosive barrel.

Gilroy:"I have an Idea! Lets flank them from both sides."

Carpenter:"I have a better Idea.."

Without even looking,Carpenter aims his pistol at the explosive barrel and pulls the trigger...and just ,he reloads it then he shoots the barrel,causing bodies to fly everywhere.

Sherman:"That was some crazy Shit man!"

As the crew kept walking,Carpenter wondered...

Carpenter(thinking):"We just passed a checkpoint,Shouldn't I get a new ally to replace Wood?"

Suddenly a figure jumped out of the bushes.

Carpenter:"Who the fuck are you?"

We'll be right back after these messages...

**A/N:This is for fans of "Condemned 2:Bloodshot"**

Ethan Thomas entered his apartment,covered in a black substance.

Thomas:"Damn it! Everytime I get in a fight with a tar man,my clothes end up covered in tar!Standard detergents can't remove this shit! If only there was a Laundry detergent designed specificly for Occult infected tar!"

Narrator:"Well now there is!"

Thomas:"huh?"

A man in a suit enters Thomas's apartment.

Thomas:"Get The fuck out of my apartment,you crazy cult member!(picks up baseball bat)"

???:"Don't worry Ethan Thomas,I'm the High co spokesman,and I'm here to introduce High co's

newest product,**Tar-Away!**

Tar-Away comes In a blue plastic bottle,which the spokesman holds up.

Thomas:"Whoa,how does it work?"

Spokesman:"First,we add a gallon of Tide laundry detergent,then we add a quart of Diet Coke,finally we have an African Witchdoctor perform a sacred prayer to remove all religious effects."

Thomas:"Can I try it now?"

Spokesman:"Of course!"

Thomas put his coat in the washer,then poured in the began to shake violently,then it was pulled out the remains of his coat,which disintegrated in his hands.

Spokesman:"High co always has you co-"

Thomas tackled the Spokesman to the ground and started punching the piss out of him

Thomas:"That was a $200 coat you bastard!"

Narrator:"Tar-away,For all your Tar cleansing needs."

Now back to our original program...

???:"I'm the Pointman from F.E.A.R."

Carpenter:"o.k? Why are you here?"

Pointman:"I came by taxi."

Carpenter:"Why?"

Pointman:"My car's at the shop."

Carpenter picked up a large index card and pointed to the words on it while saying them.

Carpenter:"I-mean....Why-the-hell-did-you-come-here?

Pointman:"My employer sent me here."

Carpenter:"Whose your employer?"

The Pointman handed Carpenter an index card with a name on it.

Carpenter:"Leon X-I-I-I? what kind of name is that?"

A brick hit Carpenter on the head,it had a note on it,so he read it.

Note:"It's pronounced Leon 13!!!! you chickenwuss!!"

Carpenter:"Oh,well anyway lets get moving."

Carpenter,Pointman,Gilroy and Sherman proceeded to the clearing created by the Dropships.

Gilroy:"Man they tore this place apart! I wonder how they reacted when they saw that?"

Carpenter's visor Suddenly turned black and white,the words 'nectar distruption' appeared on the saw blood riddled corpses everywhere,and he heard this large pitch screaming.

Carpenter:"What the fuck? What game am I in? Saboteur?"

Carpenters vision returned to normal and the bodies and screaming disappered.

Carpenter:"What the hell just happended?"

Pointman:"Don't worry,it happens to me all the time."

Carpenter heard laughing,he quickly shoved Sherman(who was taking a leak) out of the way and started running towards the he reached this rock,he lifted his visor up(which I still don't know why he does that,Damn plot holes).

Carpenter:"Morgan..Duvall?"

Duvall appeared on that rock,smoking a joint.

Duvall(stoned):"eeeyy man,whats up?"

Carpenter:"You guys O.K?"

Duvall(still stoned):"Yeah."

Carpenter:"You sure?"

Duvall(really stoned):"Yeah."

Carpenter:"Are you really sure?"

Duvall(super stoned):"Yeah,why?"

Carpenter:"That screaming."

Duvall(X-stoned):"Just an animal."

Carpenter:"Oh,okay."

Carpenter started to walk away but...

Duvall(stone-uhh,never mind):"Just an animal."

Carpenter:"I heard you the first time."

Duvall:"Just a animal"

Carpenter:"Your supposed to use 'an' with a word that starts with A."

Duvall:"Just an animal."

Carpenter(angry):"Alright,just shut the fuck up or I'll bust a cap in your ass!"

Duvall:"Just an an-"

BLAMBLAMBLAM!

Carpenter shot Duvall several times in the foot with his some more walking,the quartet came to the crash site(finally),and were immediately attacked by rebels.

Carpenter injected some nectar and felt like he was on coke,so he shot several his gun ran out he threw it to the ground and charged at a rebel,who tried to hit Carpenter with his Lobo's* stock,but Carpenter grabbed his arm and tore it off,then hit him in the face with a rebel with an Oso* came running and gunning towards Carpenter,but Carpy kicked him in the groin,causing him to fall on his knees,then Carpenter tore his head off and threw it in a strangely

placed basketball hoop.

The Pointman was surrounded by six entered his Reflex state,then pulled out his RPL machinegun and instantly killed four of them(in **slow-mo!**).A Rebel charged at Pointman,who slid under his legs and shot him,point blank,in the groin with his AT-4 last rebel tried to run away,but the Pointman ran after him and did a jumping kick to his head,which knocked it off.

Gilroy was shooting blindly in the opposite direction of the rebels.

Sherman drank a bottle of liquor earlier and it was starting to get to bent over and threw that same time a rebel wielding a razortounge*(with the point up) charged at Sherman,and missed,falling to the ground and impaling the knife in his face.

Eventually(like 5 minutes),the area was ,Peshy,and Watchstrap(who was free of that Pepsi machine at the cost of his manhood) came in the scene.

Duvall(unstoned):"They got away with our Viagra,still,you might as well check on the pilot."

Carpenter:"Don't worry,I'm sure he'll die."

Carpenter went to the cockpit(bwahahahahahahahaha...oh sorry) and saw the pilot lying there.

Pilot:"Hey...can you see me?"

Carpenter:"Unfortunatly yes."

Pilot:"Do you know what I was before I joined?"

Carpenter:"Yes,so I'd rather not hear it."

Pilot:"I-I was a boxer,semi-pro I..accckkk."

Carpenter:"Thank god."

Rebel:"Hiya!"

BLAM!

Carpenter turned around quick enough to see Watchstrap bust the cap of a stupid rebel.

Watchstrap:"Y-Yeah M-Man! W-We s-smashed t-these b-bastards!

Peshy took some photos of the pilot's dead corpse(mainly ass shots).

Carpenter:"Well we completed our objective,so lets get the fuck out of here.(into comm)Dropship I need a pickup.

Dropship:"Where is your location?"

Carpenter(comm):"We're by the big plane crash,you can't miss it."

Dropship:"Hidy ho,clear the area while your there."

Carpenter:"Okay guys lets-(looks around and notices there are no rebels for a mile)uhhh lets play twister!"

2 hours later..

The team was all on this twister board in a crazy messed up spun the wheel and landed on left foot he moved everyone then the dropship showed up.

Carpenter:"Last one to the Dropship has to be President Obama!"

Peshy:"AWWW man I wanted to see some more ass."

Everyone crowded onto the dropship and as it took off,a swarm of rebels stormed the crash site.

Rebel 1:"Hey,the're gone already!"

Rebel 2:"Nice job Steve,Merinos gonna be pissed!"

Rebel 3:"Hey they left their Twister board behind."

Rebel 4:"Anyone thinkin what I'm thinkin?"

ALL:"PARTY!"

Meanwhile back on the dropship,Peshy and Watchstrap were bragging about their fake fights while Pointman,Sherman and Gilroy sat there aimlessly.

Carpenter:"Did you see the pilot,Duvall?"

Duvall:"I can't believe those punks took our meds."

Carpenter:"Did you see the pilot?He looked fine."

Duvall:"Those fucking monkeys"

Carpenter:"DID YOU SEE THE PILOT?"

Duvall:"I heard you the first two times just you were asking me about something that wasn't on the our meds was first on the list,so no,I wasn't looking."

Peshy:"I got some good photos,I'm posting them on the web right now."

The Dropship was hovering over the landcarrier,there was a fire on deck.

Duvall:"What the hell? Looks like someone spontaniously combusted."

Peshy:"Pictures up."

Peshy's picture appeared on the monitor,It was a picture of him ,even the pilot starred at it,then their eyes were fixed on Peshy.

Peshy:"What? I was drunk,I'm not gay."

End

**A/N:In case you were wondering,Some of the weapons had a * next to means that was going to tell you what they(and other weapons and vehicles):this does not include the Weapons the Pointman uses**

**Lobo(wolf):Rebel assault rifle,has a double-ended magazine and holds 50 bullets**

**Oso(bear):Rebel shotgun,Holds 8 shells.**

**Razortounge:"Rebel Knife,can be thrown or slashed,plus if its dipped in nectar and thrown at a mantel soldier,he will go on an hold 10 of them.**

**B72 "Blacksaw":Mantel assault rifle,holds 30 depleted uranium bullets.**

**D6 "Diplomat":Mantel pistol,holds 6 magnum rounds.**

**:"Mantel Dropship,named because it appears to "give birth" to mantel soldiers.**

**Equipped with a Minigun and compartment can be dropped while in air,or removed to hold vehicles.**

**I'll Identify more as they appear...R&R.**


	3. Chapter 3:Crapload of Cussing

Daze

disclaimer:I still do not own Haze,F.E.A.R.,Spyro,Hidden Invasion,Left 4 Dead,Assassin's creed or Fighting Force.

WARNING:CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT,MAKE SURE YOUR PARENT ISN'T LOOKING.

Chapter 3:S&*%load of cussing

The Dropship set down,the gang got approuched a soldier.

Duvall:"What the fuck happened here?"

Soldier:"We don't know sir,everyone was downstairs watching the season playoff."

Duvall:"Were you downstairs watching the season playoff?"

Soldier:"No,I was masterbating with a picture of Cynder,from _Spyro Dawn of the Dragon_,in the bathroom."

Duvall:"Oh,good."

Carpenter evesdropped a conversation between two soldiers.

Soldier 1:"Do you want to know what happened up here?"

Soldier 2:"uhh,sure whatever."

Soldier 1:"I heard a Soldier called this Black Ops guy's mother a 'chain smoking whore',and then he shot everyone,and jumped off."

Soldier 2:"whatever."

Soldier 1:"Shhhh,that guy is evesdropping us."

Carpenter thought they were referencing him,but they were actually talking about Altair from _Assassin's Creed_ who was sitting on a nearby walked over to the radio with Duvall and Watchstrap(who kept touching a nearby soldier's ass).Carpenter,after wandering around aimlessly for a few minutes,joined them.

Radio:"Mantel forces clashed with Promise Hand rebels at a crashed plane ,observers are still trying to locate Gabriel Merino A.K.A Skinpants,due to the tendency to wear the skin of his victims as pants."

Watchstrap:"Why don't the nice news lady tell that Skinpants guy to go suck my..errrr some balls?"

Duvall:"uuhhh..(points offscreen towards line card) th-thats woo-why we-we're h-here -dum-dumbass."

Watchstrap:"I'd like to hear her say that anyway.(feminine voice)Go suck some balls Skinpants."

Peshy:"Y-Yeah!L-Lets g-go k-kill t-that f-fucking m-motherfucker,F-FUCK!"

Watchstrap:"What's wrong?"

Peshy:"N-Nothing r-really,I-I j-just l-like c-cussing a-alot."

Loudspeaker:"Units 'Pink Bumble Bee' and 'Yellow Butterfly' report to dropships immediatly."

Duvall:"That's us,let's go."

Duvall,Peshy,Watchstrap,Carpenter,Pointman,Gilroy,and Sherman went to the assigned dropship.

Duvall:"Carpenter,get your rear in gear!"

Carpenter:"I'm right here." he said as he stood right beside Duvall.

Duvall:"oh..........Good."

The gang got on and it took off.

Gavin Sullivan (pilot):"You guy's have to investigate a distress signal coming from a crashed boat."

Carpenter:"Why are they sending a fully armed squad?"

Sullivan:"You don't need to know the details."

Carpenter:"Why?"

Sullivan:"You won't like the answer."

Carpenter:"Is it coming from Teare who found out that Nectar really kills those who use it,and Mantel shoved the bodies away so we won't question it?"

Sullivan:"O_O................."

Suddenly the dropship jarred to the side and everyone fell to the floor.

Duvall:"What the hell was that?"

Sullivan:"Orders dude from _Fighting Force 2_ spotted that Skinpants motherfucker at the General wants you guys to capture him."

Peshy:"I-I d-d-d-d-d-don't w-w-w-w-w-w-want t-t-t-t-t-t-that f-f-f-f-f-f-freak t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-to g-g-g-g-g-get h-h-h-h-h-his s-s-s-s-s-s-s-skinpants o-o-o-o-o-o-o-on m-m-m-m-m-m-me."

Carpenter:"Your studdering is getting worse."

Peshy:"Y-Y-Y-Y-You c-c-c-c-c-c-calling m-m-m-m-m-m-me a-a-a-a-a f-f-f-f-f-fagg?"

Watchstrap:"Don't call him a fagg sir."

Carpenter:"Your right Watchstrap,I should be calling YOU A FAGG!"

Watchstrap:"What?I'm not gay!"

Duvall:"Carpenter,remember what I told you."

Carpenter:"What? About that list thing?"

Duvall:"Yes,you ever love anyone? Abe Lincoln? Your mommy?"

Carpenter:"yes."

Duvall:"You ever hate anyone? Barack Obama? That guy from _Hidden Invasion_?"

Carpenter:"Yes."

Duvall:"These feelings are a bunch of little green guys when you killed all the senators to clean up congress,you were doing whatever those little green guys if you got 2 teammates down,save the one with the shotgun,not the one with just the pistol's."(_Left 4 Dead_ reference)

Carpenter:"Okay,so if you get shot,I'll save the Pointman since he has better guns."

Duvall:"You also have have to take ranks into consideration."

Carpenter:"So if the General is wounded I'll carry him instead of you."

Duvall:"ARGH....."

Coming next,the Boxcart!

**A/N:Sorry it took so long,I started several other more updates until I get some DAMN REVIEWS!**

**Parker:"Calm down Leon."**

**ME:"GO F YOURSELF!"**

**end.**


End file.
